the end 9:34 PM

i can't believe we're coming up to march in a few hours time. that means my 4 weeks of responsibility-free debauchery are coming to an end.

there are two things that are on my immediate to-do list because of the urgency attached to them:

1. convince someone to hire me
2. exercise like mad to fit back into my existing clothes

stubborn streak 4:52 PM

because of the rain, i've just had to sprint from the mrt station to my piano studio. there's a jazz clinic on today but the point is i'm soaking wet now because of my adamant refusal to be late and my disdain for carrying umbrellas.

self care 5:58 PM

so i just ended another good session at refresh. my burly therapist was very kind to highlight his concern for my painfully rigid lower back and neck muscles. it's amazing how much physical damage years of appalling posture and slavery to the innocous mouse/keyboard can inflict.

anyway, he recommended some stretching exercises and i left making a mental note of them. oh, and to demonstrate how sincere i am about taking better care of myself i decided to shun the laptop as well... and yet, guess where i am hunched over right now?

i'm weak, i know.

moving forward 3:01 PM

i actually woke up early today! by "early" i mean before midday and that's progress so everyone do a victory dance for joy now.

after getting over myself for my remarkable morning feat i enjoyed luncheon with some old friends before ending up at coffee club against my feeble will.

we talked alot about what was going on in church and i realised how much my short 1 month stint away from shalom has solidified my spiritual expectations and values.

choosing to open my eyes to other communities was an exciting, yet frightening, decision. it almost feels like i'm allowing myself to be re-schooled in all that i've known for over 2 decades as a christian. it has been said that the purpose of education is not limited to simple acquisicion of knowledge but to mature one's character towards resilience and personal growth.

right now, i'm glad to say i can understand what that means.

of broken bones & spirits 10:42 PM

you'd be pleased to know that i did finally propel myself out of self-imposed house arrest to visit my grandma who had fallen and fractured her left arm. she was in good spirits, despite the inconvenience of the unwieldly cast, and was happy to bring out food and bring up marriage. lil and i were very amused.

we had dinner at a nearby food center after and were enjoying a little dessert and conversation when a tanned middle-aged man approached our table.

"is anyone eating this?", he asked in mandarin, pointing to a half-finished bowl of beef ball soup that someone we were sharing the table with had left behind earlier.

i shook my head, an instinctual response to the question, and watched in shock as he sat down and wolfed the leftovers down so ravenously that he choked on them.

i lost my track on our conversation and we left before finishing our dessert.

stuck 2:57 PM

because there's a thundering deluge out there, i therefore desperately need to get out of the house, run some errands, exercise, snap some outdoor shots and get some fresh air.

oh wait, i can't do all that in this frightful weather. guess i'll stay home and practice on the piano then. darn.

i'll say... 6:18 PM

if you are around bugis junction and hungry for something good, head to the food court and look for the pasta/western stall. the pasta, prepared with aplomb in massive bursts of stylish flames, tastes exactly as it looks, which is very, very good.

after which i contentedly spent the rest of the afternoon with w, simply talking, sharing, laughing; just being candid, just being comfortable, just being friends, i would say.

i can't think of a better way to make a cup of starbucks worth its price.

running behind 11:48 AM

mrting a little frantically down to piano class now. the weeks of waking up when half the day has passed is catching up with me and biting me on my behind. hard.

so let's move along from my confession to someone else's blunder. as the train pulled away from pasir ris, this announcement was heard:

"next stop pioneer"

i sure did not know we had a pioneer station.

yay & nay 6:09 PM

the thing about rainy days in sg is that it feels so refreshing but looks totally depressing - which gives rise to rather schizophrenic emotions when it does rain, which it did, all day today.

right after dinner i'm hauling my ass out of the house and into the library to start on my book. if not, i fear i may just slump into bed and turn into a sloth.

glorious freedom 5:39 PM

turning in late, rising at noon sounds like the perfect job but the reality is an aching back and a confused body clock from oversleeping. i've given myself 1 month to enjoy a responsibility-free veg out, and frankly, i've almost had enough.

as a way to ease back into productivity, i'm heading down town to meet j for dinner and catch-up.

i should also get busy with the books i've lined up for myself. one would think i would have finished them by now but i guess being too free can really sap all motivation to do, well, anything.

the joys of debugging 9:09 PM

i managed to figure out what was the cause of the infuriating problem with my gmail address book. the import from thunderbird didn't work too well which resulted in most contacts missing crucial information. the solution to this discovery is careful manual inputting of the email addys of my contact list one by one.

another step closer to tendinitis...

he's just not that into you 1:57 AM

with a large beautiful cast headlining intertwining storylines of the age-old search for true love, the writers here have hoped to put together a relevant and hip take on how the current generation copes with the expectations of modern relationships. there is, however, a fine line between sophistication and banality; and this one leans towards the wrong direction to create a disjointed and shallow yawn-fest.

on a completely seperate note: a big "thanks" goes to the very obnoxious couple behind us who felt it was their civic duty to include cinema-goers around them in their sparkling discussion throughout the movie.

movie night 9:15 PM

after another relaxing session at refresh, this time lil came along thanks to a 2-for-1 promo. i fear i may be growing addicted to massage, and with no job currently, be unable to support this horrific vice.

we're ending the evening with a chick flick "he's just not that into you" at cathay. the movie should be starting soon.

what's wrong? 4:40 PM

after using gmail for the past few weeks i've discovered some frustrating bugs. for instance, my imported contact list can't be accessed most of the time; which means i can't send mail to a big group of people... even though they are on my list! *fume*

say what? 3:59 AM

i attended an informal workshop this evening on attitudes and was reminded of how negative self-talk and beliefs can rob us of the confidence we need to perform at our level best. later back home, while bumming around on youtube the name florence foster jenkins popped into my mind.

now dear florence is a well-known name in the operatic world. interestingly, it was her lack of rhythm, pitch, tone and overall singing ability which brought her fame. a substantial inheritance enabled her to pursue singing in the later years of her life. despite making recordings which sound atrocious even to the untrained ear, she insisted on believing she was on par with the greatest sopranos of her day and that the laughter she drew during her performances were from jealous rivals.

"people may say i can't sing,
but no one can ever say i didn't sing."
florence foster jenkins (1868 - 1944)
i began to think about florence and the kind of attitude she must have possessed to so doggedly keep at doing what she loved so dearly. surely she must have been told incessantly throughout her life that she lacked talent (both her father and husband, most likely in the best of intentions, had refused to let her take lessons) and how many voice teachers did she have to hire before one would work with her, i wonder? yet, she never discarded her dream and until the day she died remained confident of her abilities and fulfilled at her achievements.

admittedly this is a pretty extreme example and, for the record, i'm not sure i would have encouraged her towards singing either but i think ole florence had the right attitude. she sure puts me to shame.

jbp shots 9:30 PM

what can i say? it feels really good to be on a photography project again. i took over 500 shots today but, embarassingly, most are only suitable for deletion. i just have to keep at it.

trudging along 3:36 PM

as foretold, the day has been sunny and warm. we've caught 2 shows and seen most of the exhibits already. as it's not the peak vacation season we didn't have to jostle with a holiday throng and were able to meander quite languidly through the park. oh, and i took quite a number of pics so will post them up shortly, too.

jurong bird park 9:59 AM

it's going to be a scorcher of a day but here we are at jbp with our cameras and pre-frozen beverages. yay!

the wrestler 10:33 PM

mesmerising in its brutality, pain and regret, 'the wrestler' is a gritty yet intimate portrayal of a broken man filling the spaces with memories of a once-glorious past and struggling with the irrevocable consequences of choices made during the folly of youth. every gash, cut and broken bone on his battered body has an emotional counterpart. brace yourself also for the devastating closing song by bruce springsteen.

those who enjoy feel-good movies are strongly advised to stay far, far away.

aftermath 4:35 PM

so as i left play by ear, my mind was a confused jumble of chord progressions and awkward fingerings. jazz is really new to me and i have a lot of careful practising ahead of me.

i've just arrived at cathay after walking over in a daze to catch 'the wrestler'. hopefully i can regain some sanity over the next 2 hrs!

lesson one 2:30 PM

here i am outside singapore's finest pop and jazz piano school. that's what the sign says, at least. it's an interesting feeling to finally be here 2 years after the idea crossed my mind. if i'm not wrong i actually feel more guilty than anything else. oh well, i'm going to try to enjoy it anyway.

bon voyage 10:07 PM

to rui: an unexpected kindred soul with a common love for the inane and fantastical, who respects the value of the ridiculous and delights in bringing unabashed laughter to those whom he carries in his heart:

may God hold you on your new journey and give you only the strongest wings you need to fly.

love tested 9:45 PM

we are meant to lose the people we love, how else would we know that we love them?

- from "the curious case of benjamin button"

this quote, the first of several heart-rending ones, has stayed with me for days in the form of a dull ache which eluded reasoning.

after my second viewing this evening, its significance unexpectedly achieved lucidity. the test of loss is the most vicious of all, but also the only way you can ever know if the love you hold is made to weather the ravages of time and life.

what can be sadder, yet more beautiful, than the soul of one who finds, then loses, the singular and only love of their lifetime?

the curious case of benjamin button 9:22 PM

i love the elegantly understated telling of this unique and poignant tale of a man who was born to live life backwards: who from birth learnt what it meant to be old and unwanted, who discovered that his was a life to be journeyed in loneliness, who laid down his one great love to afford her a chance for a normal life, who had his heart broken by his physical inability to be a father to his only daughter, and who gradually lost much of the memories of his extraordinary existence before finally finding eternal peace in the arms of the woman who had loved him nearly all her life.

east coast park 10:08 PM

on a saturday, the waters at east coast park are teeming with excited sailors, wind-surfers, kayakers and happy generic families splashing in the waves. there are actually more people in the water than there are on land. i had no idea we had such a vibrant water-sport loving community here. looks like great fun!

failed 10:41 AM

the annual cooking fiesta had to be halted in its tracks because too many things went wrong. no matter how encouraging anyone can be - charred meat is never special, except maybe especially toxic.

one unexpected thing i did learn, though, is that one can actually forget how to perform something as fundamental as using a can opener.

recipe incomplete 8:33 PM

the annoying thing about the perfect recipe is to be short of that one irreplaceable ingredient which renders it impossible to make. maddening!

i had do some panicky culinary improvisation when i couldn't find the last, and most essential, ingredient on my already-brief list during grocery shopping earlier. here's hoping my special dish will still turn out special.

ikea shopping 3:39 PM

one of the fun things about ikea is the ever-changing landscape of colors, textures and concepts of must-have stuff for the home. after a satisfying lunch of moist roasted chicken leg and mashed potato, i wandered slowly around with my mom until i found a long beige rug which should be a good fit under the piano. at 29 bucks it was also well within my meager budget and i grabbed it quickly before something else more expensive caught my eye. now to find some way (or some helpful people) to slip it in place without breaking my back...

refresh 6:01 PM

it's been nearly a year since a painful knot in my back had driven me to get it kneaded out at refresh. i've since become a fan of massage and have been back here often enough to be familiar with the staff. now i'm waiting for my regular therapist to finish up so he can start on me. just sinking into the soft leather chair is already getting me relaxed.

incomplete 12:54 PM

i (finally) need to get a rug for the piano in the living room so that it doesn't boom throughout the house when i play on it. then i need to get a new stand for the keyboard in my room cuz the current (cheap) one is the wrong height which results in a strained back after practicing.

ok, i officially miss playing on the grand in church.

the wind and the book 11:05 PM

after leaving church, i wandered around white sands agonizing over what to eat after which i plonked myself down on a bench at a very deserted but breezy pasir ris beach to read this book on finance management - it's about time i grow up a little in this area.

walking to shalom 9:46 AM

on way back to office this morning after about a week of leaving. surprising to say i've not felt the impact of my departure yet. maybe it's cuz i've been kept busy since. oh well, it should be nice to be back for a while.

@ bugis 2:53 PM

enjoying a starbucks green tea frappe after signing up for jazz piano class. my instructor is a friendly guy who showed me some really mad skills, plus he's a believer who attends covenant efc. how great is that? my first lesson starts next tue so i'm all excited. yayness!

on the mrt 12:51 PM

heading to play by ear music school in bugis now to inquire about the jazz piano class. after 2 years of thinking about it i'm finally taking action.

a new beginning 9:31 PM

after laying off serious blogging for about 2 years, i've come to realize that i've grown accustomed to the space that it left behind in my life.

i had thought that with school finally out of the way, and now with no job to boot, that i'd be ravenous about resurrecting this old passion. to my own surprise, i didn't feel any compulsion to resume it.

in fact, i presently have no desire to pick up the old habits at all - not photography, not videogames, not reading. it almost feels like i died some time over the last 2 years.

but here i am. again. not really knowing what i'm doing except i'd still like to maintain a little piece of virtual life on the www. so here it is.